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CIA’s Wacky, Online ‘Personality Quiz’

These are tough times for the Central Intelligence Agency. It’s not just the blown calls on Iraq. Or the bruising turf battles with the White House. There’s the series of internal purges. And, of course, the constant threat of another terrorist attack. No wonder the Agency is having trouble hiring good people.
But still, can things have grown so dire at Langley that the CIA has to resort to gimmicks like this wink-wink-trying-to-be-ironic-and-cool-but-instead-looking-even-more-dorky recruiting website
The “CIA personality quiz” is supposed to show how the Agency needs all types to function. So the exam offers up a series of questions, about your favorite leisure activities, the “kind of transportation you prefer,” and what super power you’d like to have. And then the site tells you what kind of valuable asset to the CIA you’d be.
If the super power you want is flight, for example, and your dream is to climb Mt. Everest, according to the Agency, you’re a “Daring Thrill Seeker.” If you prefer shopping on Rodeo Drive and sunbathing on a yacht, that means you’re a “Innovative Pioneer.” If you’d like to have ESP and a designer wardrobe, that qualifies you as an “Impressive Mastermind.” Naturally.
Somehow, this is all meant to dispel myths about what it’s like to work for the Agency. Take Myth #1, for instance: “Youll Never See Your Family and Friends Again.” Au contraire, the site says. “The work we do may be secret, but that doesnt mean your life will be. Because the variety of CIA careers is similar to that of any major corporation. So your friends and family will still be part of your life.“
Nor will your work be all that dangerous. “Car chases through the alleyways of a foreign city are common on TV, but theyre not what a CIA career is about. And, they dont compare with the reality of being part of worldwide intelligence operations supporting a global mission.“
And that grueling background check? Don’t sweat it. “Because of our national security role, CIA applicants must meet specific qualifications but, dont worry. Getting caught smoking in high school isnt enough to disqualify you. Your intellect, skills, experience and desire to serve the nation are most important to us.“
Unless you’re setting up Agency websites, I guess.

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Eric Hundman September 28, 2006 at 10:30 am

This incarnation is amusing, but I liked the CIA site better back in the days when they had a video interview of Jennifer Garner talking about how wonderful the agency was. ‘Cause people, like, totally loved Alias.


Michael Hampton September 28, 2006 at 3:14 pm

Obviously you haven’t yet seen the TV commercial the CIA is running to recruit people.


Mike September 28, 2006 at 3:29 pm

Im a daring thrill seeker, so watch out!!


shii September 28, 2006 at 5:07 pm

Dude, I’m a Thoughtful Observer. That’s awesome.
Although, I don’t think I learned anything about the CIA on that site. Maybe that’s the point.


Pol September 29, 2006 at 4:16 am

Are they looking for people stupid enough to enroll in the MK-ULTRA program?


JJ September 29, 2006 at 11:54 am

“Getting caught smoking in high school isn’t enough to disqualify you.”
- Note the absence of the word “pot”… ;-)


panicearly September 29, 2006 at 12:46 pm

they must be looking for patsies:)


Bearfoot September 29, 2006 at 1:10 pm

the CIA doesn’t have access to your personal informaiton?
thats not what i’ve heard.. :P


jasjohn128 September 29, 2006 at 1:17 pm

Alex Reid, that’s exactly right. CIA was ignored in the run-up to Iraq and has been fairly well gutted overall since Bush assumed the President’s office.
Many good men and women still serve, but many of those who *could* leave have already done so and there’s no guarantee CIA and all its Thoughtful Observers, Risk Takers, etc. will be restored to its former primus inter pares status in the community.
And Risk Takers beware: you’ve got less to fear from our countries’ enemies than you do from the offices of this current President, Vice President, and Secretary of Defense.


jokerman September 29, 2006 at 2:33 pm

i know a coup i’d like to plan…here.


mbs September 29, 2006 at 5:24 pm

the real truth is this country needs good men and women to guard its borders, internally and externally…all this political pandering to special interests and whoever can pay the highest buck to get virtually nothing done…it’s making me sick. We need to unite and be a country again, to stand up against the real threats in this world and not be afraid to hurt other peoples feelings in the process. Lets wipe the slate clean and get someone in charge that will truly do whats right for this country, no republican or democrat, just American.


dhgilmour October 1, 2006 at 9:23 pm

As to “gutting” the CIA or any other intelligence organ of the United States, I think one would do well to read a little history back during the Carter debacle, instead of “kowtowing” to the mainstream DemoNAcratic Party line.


aaron October 4, 2006 at 7:39 am

woodward, quoting the republican leadership called it a ’slamdunk’
tenet, when asked denied that charachterization of the meeting.


Drew October 16, 2006 at 5:46 pm

The Criminal Intelligence Agency should’ve been abolished decades ago. It’s, directly and indirectly killed thousands of people abroad, and turned a blind eye to cocaine importation during the 1980s. The CIA is one of the more deadly organizations the world’s ever seen.


b. mirra October 16, 2006 at 7:22 pm

the cia is completely nuts a waste of money to the max look in dictionary under waste ans the synonym is cia ;-)


Curious Adventurer October 16, 2006 at 7:52 pm

Er, that was a joke, right? Not as good as the Onion, but a pretty good satirical site.


Jayrod October 16, 2006 at 11:01 pm

The CIA must exist in order to protect our secrets of extraterrestrial hardware. Anyone stating that the CIA is a joke has obvisiously not been aware of the years of service the CIA has provided this country assuring that our E.T.H. hasn’t fallen into the hands of low-lifes.


RM October 17, 2006 at 12:18 am

Ha ha most those jobs I wouldn’t qualify for, even if I did the majority of them would be a pay cut. Weak


John Ivey October 17, 2006 at 2:04 am

I haven’t even looked at the stupid thing yet, but they have rules like “no one with a criminal record is qualified” etc. - even if the “crime” was forty years ago during the applicant’s youth - in other words they are not seeking qualified people but people who meet stupid standards. No wonder they screw everything up!


Codd Butler January 30, 2008 at 3:57 am

Duct tape is far too tactile… Do you have a better solution for removing stains from the surface of my soul? Perhaps, gelatin? Um, doh…


Cpt. awesome April 1, 2008 at 3:53 am

Yes, the CIA has access to all information public and private, and information that is not transfered over electronic communications. they can eavesdrop on normal conversations.


WR April 3, 2008 at 12:37 pm

“Do you have a better solution for removing stains from the surface of my soul?”
Indeed so. Jesus Christ is the solution. ;)


Z October 14, 2008 at 4:18 pm

it’s amazing how people here think they know exactly what’s going on behind curtains…but in reality, they really haven’t even scratched the surface.
then they wonder why the CIA doesn’t hire liberals. THE ANSWER IS STARING AT YOU.


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